Summary
- Don't aim to win an argument, aim to learn from the other person
- Don't speak to the person you see or hear, speak to the person you understand, so aim to understand the person
- You can almost never say things correctly the first time. Plan your subsequent conversations properly
- Let your values guide your words (Truth seeker? Learner? Empathic?)
- Don't just Transmit words, aim to build connections
- Connections does not always mean agreement, it means understanding
- When some people are too unreasonable to be understood, you don't have to connect with them. Connection is not always a must
- Be confident with your words, don't be apologetic and frame yourself as an inconvenience to others. They are not more important or superior to you (this is a stupid question but…. Sorry I don't mean to disturb you….)
Say your views with these 3 elements
- Control
- Confidence
- Connection
Control
Control yourself when you speak. Don't dominate, belittle, or be sarcastic.
You may win the conversation, but you lose a lot more; connection.
Don’t seek to control “them” and the conversation, seek to control yourself and connect with the person.
Triggers
Triggers are events that elicit negative emotions in you.
Having negative emotions make you nervous to speak whats truly on your mind.
Learn to recognize the triggers and navigate around these negative emotions.
- Social Evaluation Triggers
Social evaulation triggers are fear of negative judgement, rejection or humilation.
- If I say this…
- If I do this…
- If I look like this…
Will they think I’m stupid? Do I seem arrogant? Will they be offended?
You care too much about how people think about you, when really all they are doing is thinking about themselves
- Competency Triggers
- If i fail, how would I look like?
- Purpose triggers
- Does what I do even make a difference?
As important as it is to recognize these triggers in you, learn to see how you are triggering others, and how that alters their behavior.
Start your sentence with your breath
Wehn the other person is talking, you’re already forming all the arguments and replies in your head.
This causes you to tense up, and your replies become flustered and stuttered.
Let the first word be a breath to release the tension in the body and calm the mind, before saying your piece
Positive Affirmations
It works. It’s not woowoo.
Give yourself small pep talks to boost your confidence and cast away your doubts.
Pep talks should infuse actions, not just identity.
- Don’t say “I am strong”
- Say “Stand tall, walk gently”
Action infused pep talks transfer more immediate reaction to the body
“Claim your space” is a nice small pep talk to remind you that you are entitled and deserving of others.
Control the Pace
Treat every question as if someone is asking “hows your weekend?”. That takes off the pressure to need to answer fast, and take your time to think about an answer
Pause to gather your thoughts before speaking.
Pausing signifies intention, not hesitation
Pausing gives you time to
- Reflect on the question
- Consider your response
- Reconsider your response
- Gives you time to take that breath as the first word in a sentence
Short Pauses are magnifiers
- When you induce a short pause to your words, you are magnifying it’s effect by showing intention and deliberation
Long Pauses are a mirror
- When you pause for a long time, you are reflecting the effects of the other’s persons words to themselves
- They now have time to hear their own words and reflect upon it, instead of processing your response
- Long pauses can be used to press someone to talk more because they feel the need to fill in the space
Confidence and Assertiveness
- Confidence is a feeling, and feelings cannot be spontaneously generated
- So don’t ask “How do I be more confident?”, but rather “How can I create more experiences to feel more confident”
- You can “feel” confidence by being Assertive. Assertive is the action that brings the feeling of confidence
Some Assertive Practices
- Every word matters
- Do what you say you’re going to do
- Express your needs unapologetically
- Imagine you’re a lawyer defending the client, but in this case, the client is yourself
- My client won’t accept this → I won’t accept this
- My client wants to know that it won’t happen again → I want to know that it won’t happen again
- Begin your sentences with “I need”
- Stop using the word Sorry (when it’s not actually needed). It makes you look weak.
- Only speak when it matters. Don’t speak for the sake of saying something. You will lose credibility
- Don’t try to show others how smart you are or one-up someone
- Confident people have the urge to say nothing
- Say less, convey more. Stop overexplaining and writing lengthy email with useless words. Get straight to the point
- Overexplaining comes from the fear that the other person won’t believe you
- Remove filler words. Embrace the silence, don’t have to fill it with filler words or phrases, you know what I mean?
- Don’t undersell yourself. Self deprecation is not good.
- Hate to bother you
- Forgive me a dumb question
- You probably know better than me
- Instead, state yourself clearly and ask for “Thoughts?” “Would like to hear your inputs”
- Cut excessive words
- Basically, Actually, Essentially, What I’m trying to say is, It’s just that, I’m just curious…
- Rely on experience
- “From what I’ve seen before”
- “Based on my experience”
Remember to keep your confidence in check and in balance. Being overly assertive can be aggressive. It’s about respecting yourself and the other person
Eye contact tip: Only make eye contact at the end of the sentece. If you make eye contact throughout your speech, it will feel like you are staring at them.
Difficult people
Don’t
- Match their negativity
- Walk on eggshells around them
- Allow them to elicit a negative response from you
Do
- Be assertive
- Give long pauses to let the words reflect back
When being interrupted, allow them to interrupt you. After they are done, don’t acknowledge their comment but continue or restart your sentence
Always ask yourself “Is it worth it?”
Disagreeing with someone
When you disagree with someone, don’t just say “I disagree”, but tell them your point of view
- I see things differently
- I’d take another approach
Boundaries
Be a kid once again. Somehow as we grew up, we tend to care too much about what others think. Kids are very vocal about their boundaries.
Without boundaries you would
- Overcommit
- Stress
- Resent
- Repeat
Never ignore someone, but think about it before giving a reply. “wanna meet up?” “let me get back to you”
If you ignore someone, they will fill their heads on why you’re ignoring them, and it’s almost always negative.
You’re not that important, saying no would suffice without an explanation.
Talking with intent
If you want to make a connection, have conversations with goals. Mindless directionless chatter is for socializing, but not to create bonds.
Don’t be wishy washy, get straight to the point. The other person is not a mind-reader
- Set a direction for the conversation and have a clear and concise agenda: “I want to talk about…”
- Set an end goal for the conversation: “I want to talk about X to know my direction”
- Get their help: “I want to talk about X to know my direction, and I wanted your views”
Clarity is Kind: You respect their time and cognitive load.
Defensiveness
Don’t be defensive, it weakens your credibility.
Defensiveness can manifest in:
- Trying to overexplain something
- Trying to defend your stance
- Trying to shift blame
- Dismissing someone’s view point
- Generalize someone’s viewpoint
Fundamental Attribution Error means you tend to overemphasize personality flaws and underemphasize external factors
This happens frequently over text and email, and you wonder why the person is “rude”, “ignoring you”, “dismissive”, but its likely that person is busy, overwhelmed, in a meeting, forgot.
One way to stop being defensive is to stop taking everything so personally and give them the beneft of the doubt.
- Catch the feeling of wanting to be defensive
- Let the words fall, and you don’t have to return anything
- Get curious of their viewpoint instead of seeing it as a personal attack
Don’t Start With Why
When asking someone a question, don’t start with “Why”. Doing so appear as a challenge to their decision which they may take personally.
Instead of
- Why did you do it this way?
- Why are you not doing this?
you can start with
- How else can we do this differently?
- What’s stopping you from doing this?
This opens them up for discussion, as opposed to an affront.
Acknowledge the person
Tell them…
- What you have understood from their view
- What you’ve learnt from their view
- What has helped you